Guilt
by Dementors hate chocolate
Summary: Lily and Severus meet in a bar after the deaths of Harry and James, and Lily learns that Severus told Voldemort about the prophecy. Eventually Lily forgives Severus, but then something terrible happens. COMPLETE.
1. The Bar

**I** **don't own Harry.**

Lily sighed wearily as she chugged down another shot of whiskey. She was beginning to feel light headed, and she was glad. It was a week since Voldemort had come and murdered her husband and son, leaving her alive. Why he left Lily alive she didn't know, and she wasn't happy about it. Lily rested her head on the rough wooden bar, her red hair loose around her. She had come to a muggle pub because she didn't want to take the chance of meeting someone that she knew. She couldn't sleep again, so she had decided to come for a drink, or two, or three...

"You okay, miss?" the bartender asked.

Lily was about to say, "Yes, I'm fine, "; the phrase was like a familiar face at this point, she had taught herself that that was the correct response to the dreaded question, but instead she gave in and whispered, "No, actually, I'm not."

Lily sat there on her stool for a while, ordering more drinks, trying to make the pain in her heart go away, but no matter how much she drank, the ache was still there.

It was late, and only a few people were left in the bar. Two men sat playing cards at a table in the corner, their beady eyes scanning their hands, every now and then taking small sips of their drinks. The bartender was wiping glasses out, and three bikers, two men and a woman, dressed in leather jackets and covered in tattoos, were laughing loudly at the opposite end of the bar, and slapping their hands on the counter, motioning for more beer.

Lily suddenly felt the urge to vomit, and rushed to the women's bathroom. She knelt in front of one of the toilets, holding her hair back so it wouldn't get covered in vomit and toilet water, and emptied her stomach contents into the scummy toilet bowl.

She took a deep breath and stood up shakily, made her way out of the stall and stumbled to the nearest sink. The cold rusty water felt good in her mouth as she rinsed out the sour taste of the vomit and it felt even better when she splashed it on her flushed face.

Lily stared at herself in the mirror; James wouldn't have wanted her to act this way. Locking herself in the house, refusing to talk about what happened, desperately trying not to break down and hold her emotions in, going out to a bar and getting drunk. Hot tears slid down Lily's cheeks as she looked in the cracked mirror, and seemed to see James' face, mouth turned up into a crooked grin, black hair messy as always, bright eyes shining with love as he looked at her. James would want her to be happy, to work through the pain, to ask for support from her friends. Sirius and Remus. She could go see them right now. Lily forgot that it was quite late, and she pulled open the bathroom door, suddenly very anxious to talk to her friends.

The bikers had gone now, and were replaced by a dark lonely figure staring at the bartender as he prepared the man's drink.

He looked familiar, somehow, but she couldn't put her finger on who it might be... he had his back to her so she could only see his black hair.

Lily headed unsteadily toward where her purse was sitting on the bar where she had left it, desperately trying to make it to the bathroom before she made a mess on the floor for the bartender to clean up.

As Lily walked behind the man, he turned around, looked at her, then focused on the bartender again. Lily saw a shudder pass through his body as he did a double take and stared at her again, and she stared back. The pale face, the hooked nose, the thin lips, who was it? Then a face from when she was a kid jutted through the fog in her mind left from her many drinks.

Severus Snape! Her old friend was gaping at her in a mingled expression of guilt, joy, and fear.

"Lily!"

But Severus was a Death Eater, Lily remembered in horror, backing slowly away from him. Voldemort had changed his mind, and sent of his followers after her. Even if she didn't want to live, Lily didn't want to be struck down by a Death Eater while she was drunk and unable to fight; she wanted to go down with a wand in her hand.

Lily sprinted toward the door clumsily; her motor skills weren't the best at the moment, and heard Severus call after her. She tripped and fell, hitting her head against the edge of a table.

Severus rushed over, and inspected the cut on Lily's forehead; it wasn't too bad, but she had been knocked unconscious.

"Should I call an ambulance?" the bartender asked, the phone already in his hand.

"No, I'll take care of her," and before the bartender could reply, Severus gathered Lily's form in his arms and left.

Severus looked down at the woman in his arms as he walked down the sidewalk. He thought Voldemort had killed her; ignored his pleas to spare her. Voldemort has not said anything about sparing her when Snape asked, and he did not have much contact with the outside world to find out. All Severus heard was that the Potter's house was destroyed and the Potter boy was dead; he had assumed that Lily had been murdered too.

Severus stopped and realized that he didn't know where he was heading.

Lily began to stir, and opened her eyes, glancing around blearily. Then she looked up at Severus, and said, "James?" and Severus felt jealously grip his heart.

As Lily's vision cleared, she realized who was holding her, not James, because James was dead, it was Severus Snape, the Death Eater. Lily struggled in Snape's grip, and he put her down.

She pointed at him, and screamed,"You stay away from me!" and she stumbled down the street, but didn't get far until she fell down again.

Severus looked troubled; he wanted to help Lily, but she was clearly terrified of him. Lily put her head in her hands and began sobbing.

Severus knelt besides the drunk Lily, and put a hand cautiously on her shoulder, and said, "I gave up being a Death Eater, and now I'm a spy for Dumbledore, you know, after..." but he stopped, he had been about to tell her about how he informed Voldemort the prophecy that had caused the Dark Lord to go after Lily and her family.

Lily suddenly grabbed Severus around the neck and weeped into his shoulder. Severus looked taken aback, but patted her on the back awkwardly, and said, "It's okay, Lily."

Severus felt Lily flinch, and she pulled away and screamed, "It is NOT okay, Sev! My family is gone!" and with that, she broke into a heap of renewed sobbing.

And it's my fault, Severus thought wryly. He shouldn't be here, he shouldn't even be looking at Lily; he had let her down, just as he had in school. If he were more like James maybe things would've been different.

"Lily, why don't I just take you home?" Severus had spotted movement in a dark alley; it wasn't safe to be out at night, even if it was in a muggle part of town.

Lily nodded through her tears, and Severus pulled her up and they disapparated to the Potter's dwelling.

Severus helped her to the door, then said, "Well good night then."

"Oh, do you have to go?" Lily didn't feel like being alone so soon.

But Severus nodded; he didn't want to go into that house. He could almost feel the two deaths that he had caused, the spirits of James and little Harry.

"Well, thank you, anyway, Sev." Lily said, sounding a little disappointed. "You're a good friend."

Guilt overtook Severus again, pressure squeezing his chest so hard it felt like his lungs were about to burst. He was not a good friend.

"You were always there for me, too, when Petunia made fun of me and in school, when people..."

"Stop, just stop!" Severus said desperately, not wanting to hear anything else. The guilt was tearing at his insides like some horrible beast. He felt like smashing his head against the concrete sidewalk.

"But..why?" Lily said, looking concerned at his sudden outburst.

"I am not a good person, I'm not, so stop talking like I am."

"But, you said you weren't a Death Eater anymore..."

Severus bit his tongue so hard that it bled.

"I mean, it's very brave to spy on Voldemort, that's like the ultimate danger." Lily said, looking impressed.

Severus sighed. He had to tell Lily what he did. If he didn't the guilt would just fester until it became a disease that rotted him away from the inside. So Lily would hate him, but it wouldn't matter, because he had been out of her life for so long long already, it wouldn't be a disappointment.

"Lily, I was the one who told the Dark Lord about the prophecy. It's my fault he killed them. I begged with him to spare your life, that's why you're still alive. I'm sorry, Lily, I am so sorry." Severus spat the words out like they burned his mouth.

Lily was staring dumb founded, not able to believe it. Severus had told Voldemort? He had pleaded with Voldemort to spare her? Anger rose in her chest, and she balled up her fists as her green eyes burned with rage and hate.

"So you told Voldemort to spare me? What about James and Harry? I would rather have died with them, then suffer without them!" she screamed and Severus winced. Fresh tears began falling again from her red ringed eyes. "No, but I forgot, you hated James, you're probably glad he's dead, and since Harry was his son, now there's nothing of James left, so I bet you're just delighted! I bet you were celebrating after he killed them, didn't you!"

"I never want to see you again!" Lily slammed the door in Severus' face, and he could hear her resting against it on the other side, sobbing loudly.

Severus rested his head on the door, listening, wanting to comfort Lily; each sob was wrenching out a piece of his heart. Oh, Lily. But he couldn't; he was despicable and he was glad Lily never wanted to see him again because every time she laid eyes on him, she would be reminded of Harry and James' deaths.

Severus sighed and stood, there was nothing he could do. Lily had to heal on her own. He felt disappointment crushing him; when he saw Lily alive in that bar, he thought that maybe, just maybe, they could become friends again, or something more. But then he realized that he could not be forgiven for the despicable act he had committed. He had told her, and now she knew the truth, so it was time for him to go.

Severus turned on the spot and disappeared, returning to the bar.

"How's your girl?" the bartender said, surprised to see Severus back.

Severus didn't answer. Instead he sat down, and ordered a couple of drinks.

"We're gonna be closing up soon, so don't get too comfortable."

Severus nodded and downed his first shot. The bartender placed something on the counter.

"Here, the girl forgot this. Maybe you can bring it back to her."

Severus touched the pink purse in front of him, paused for a moment, and then opened it. A perfumey smell rose from the inside; it smelt like a little cloud of Lily.

Severus examined the few items that were in the purse, savoring the smell that was attached to them.

There was some money of course, galleons, sickles and knuts. There was a tube of lipstick, and some mascara. Some crumpled paper, and a broken quill. Hasty addresses scribbled down on tiny slips of parchment. A small emergency bottle of Floo powder. Severus stared at the items scattered across the counter. He reached his hand back into the purse; now it was empty except for some small photographs.

The first one showed James and Harry, playing together on the floor; James using his wand to charm a toy train so that it chugged in a circle around Harry, puffing purple smoke.

The next one showed Sirius, Remus and James hugging Lily, who was squished in the middle, waving at the camera.

Then there was one of Harry, tucked in his crib, snoring lightly.

Then Severus flipped to the last photo and stared, for he was looking at himself.

It was a photo from when Lily and Severus were still children, before Hogwarts, and they were playing in the woods. Lily climbed up into their favorite tree, and Severus joined her. They sat on a high branch, swinging their legs and holding hands, giggling and savoring the shade that the tree cast from the hot sun.

Severus discreetly wiped a tear from his eye. What he wouldn't give to go back, and change everything that he had done. But that isn't the way it goes; you make a mistake, and you have to pay the consequences.

Severus tucked the picture of him and Lily into his pocket. He would leave her purse on her doorstep for her later.

"We're closing in ten minutes," the bartender warned.

"I'll just take one more then," Severus said, and the bartender obliged, sliding the drink across to him.

Then Severus got up and left, to return to his cold lonely house and dwell on happy memories from the past.

**I was crying when I was writing this! Oh, poor Lily! Poor Severus! Poor James and Harry!**

**Please review! **


	2. The Second Meeting

**I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, I would write more Harry Potter books!**

**A lot of you who reviewed said I should continue this, so I'll take a crack at it. This chapter is a bit short, but I hope it is just as enjoyable as the last chapter.**

Severus was in the Apothecary, shopping for potions ingredients. Dumbledore has asked him to brew a complicated potion that he had never tried before, and he was a bit nervous about how it would come out. Severus reached for a jar of dried calendula blossoms on a shelf, grumbling under his breath about the price, and wasn't paying attention to where he was walking.

He bumped into someone and knocked her over.

"I'm sorry," Severus said, still not really paying attention, but still thinking about expensive potions ingredients, and held out his hand to help the person up. The woman grabbed his hand, and said, "That's okay, I feel like in my own little world sometimes too..." she suddenly stopped speaking, and Severus looked closely at her and recognized her.

It was Lily.

Several moments passed, and it was like a bubble had encased the two, they didn't notice anyone else, and it seemed like everything had gone very silent, and Severus and Lily still grasping hands. Severus was very aware of Lily's soft hand inside his, the pulsing warm coming from it. Then Lily's hand twitched and she pulled it away as though she were burned and glared at him.

"After what you did, how can you live with yourself," Lily hissed. "You should kill yourself."

Severus stared at her, guilt squeezing his heart like a cold hand.

Lily raised her wand and Severus knew she was going to curse him. He would stand and take it, he deserved it, maybe it would ease some of her pain.

But the store owner had noticed by then, and stood in front of Lily, telling her that he did not allow duels in his shop and asked her to lower the wand. When Lily didn't respond, the owner tried to grab Lily's wand from her, lest she destroy any any of the more expensive potions ingredients with her spell. She tried to fight him off, but then she suddenly broke down, falling to the ground, sobbing into her hands.

Severus stood and watched Lily, wanting so badly to comfort her, but knew he would make it worse. He wanted to hold her, wipe her tears, tell her it was going to be okay, but instead, he walked out of the Apothecary, leaving Lily almost drowning in her own misery.

When Severus got back home, he plopped miserably on the dirty old couch and stared at the ceiling.

He never thought he would see Lily again after that night when he told her about the Prophecy. He slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out a picture. It was the

one of him and Lily that he had taken from her purse.

Severus stared at the red haired girl's happy face and compared it with the older, sobbing Lily. It was his fault that she was like this!

He grabbed a book that was resting on the coffee table and threw it angrily across the room, where it smashed into a vase and sent it crashing to the floor, tiny bits of glass skidding every which way.

That made some of his anger at himself ebb away, so for the next hour, he set about throwing and destroying everything in his reach.

When Severus was finished, the living room looked like a tornado hit it, and he was breathing heavily, exhausted.

He looked at the picture again, and felt his own eyes burning with tears. He pounded his forehead against the wall, and savored the pain in his head; he deserved it, he should be crucioed a thousand times. He should be thrown in a frigid ocean where sharks were waiting to devour his body, tear him limb from limb, or be subjected to the Dementor's Kiss because everything was his fault.

Severus laid down on the old carpet, bare in some spots, and stared at Lily's picture, the girl that was giggling and holding his hand. He fell asleep there on the floor, holding the picture, guilt tearing his insides open and devouring them, a guilt so intense it was painful. He dreamed of him and Lily walking in the forest. They were children, but then they were suddenly adults, and Lily turned her wand on him, an accusing expression on her face, tears dripping from her nose, screaming, "You killed them! YOU killed them!"

Lily heard Severus leave the store, but she continued sobbing, she couldn't stop. As soon as she recognized Severus' face, perhaps a little thinner and more tired looking then the last time she saw him, she was reminded instantly of James and Harry, and before she could curse that hateful man, the shop owner had tried to take her wand, and she just broke.

Customers were surrounding her, asking her what was wrong, offering soothing words of comfort, but she could not stop crying. Lily suddenly jumped to her feet, pushing the other customers out of the way, and fled from the shop.

Lily went back home, to her and James' and Harry's house and ran upstairs to her room, and grabbed one of James' shirts from the closet; she had left all of James' and Harry's things where they were and little Harry's room, which she hardly entered, was slowly collecting a layer of dust.

She pressed the shirt to her face and sobbed into it. She could almost smell James' cologne on it, hear his voice, see his eyes. Lily fell onto the bed, grabbing a pillow and hugging it, pretending it was James. She cried herself to sleep that night, and dreamed of James and Harry and her in the living room, playing, when the front door burst open and instead of Voldemort, it was Severus standing there, wand raised and pointed at Harry and James, shouting that terrible unforgivable curse.

**Was it good? I personally liked the first chapter better, but, I think this one was ok.**

**Please send me ideas, because I don't know where to go next with this, as I was writing it as a oneshot.**

**But if you give me ideas, I can continue! So review and leave suggestions! **

**Many Thanks :)**


	3. The Confrontation

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

Severus was sitting in his living room, pawing through a Potions book, looking for a specific recipe he couldn't seem to find. Was this even the right book? he thought, looking at the title again.

His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp cracking knock on his front door.

Severus marked his place in the book and got up to answer the door. He didn't get many callers, as he lived in a muggle neighborhood. He wondered curiously who it could be.

He made his way through the dark hallway as the person pounded on the door again.

"I'm coming," he murmured under his breath.

Severus pulled open the door, then blinked and did a double-take. Out of all the people he expected to be standing on his step, this was not not one of them.

"Lily," Severus said, avoiding her eyes, which were red and swollen in her blotchy face. It was obvious she had been crying {again, Severus thought guiltily}. "What are you doing here?"

"I want to know why you did it." she said simply, her voice trembling with tears. Severus knew she was talking about how he revealed the prophecy to the Dark Lord.

Severus sighed. He didn't want to explain how he made the stupidest mistake of his life, well the second stupidest; the first was becoming a Death Eater in the first place, but he knew that Lily wouldn't leave until he told her the truth. She was always like that; never giving up until she got what she wanted.

"Do you want to come in?" Severus held open the door.

Lily nodded, too tired and depressed to argue.

Severus led Lily to the the living room, with its musty yellow walls and furniture and the large bookcase along the back wall.

Severus was trembling as he sat in his armchair that he had just vacated a few moments before, and Lily took a seat in front of on the old couch, which was ripped in places, the stuffing spilling from the tears.

Neither of them spoke for a moment; then Lily burst out, "Why did you tell him the prophecy?"

Severus rubbed his temples in a circular motion."I was a Death Eater. I was working for the Dark Lord. Any information we heard, we were supposed to relay to the Dark Lord."

"You should have kept your mouth shut! If you had an ounce of decency in you, that is what you would've done! But then, if you had an ounce of decency, you wouldn't have become a Death Eater in the first place, now would you?" Lily said savagely.

"Look, I made a terrible mistake. I was young and stupid, and I was drawn in. I was willing to do anything for the Dark Lord, to keep from getting tortured and killed. Once you're a Death Eater, you can't just say, 'I don't feel like working for you anymore, I'm going to quit now, see you!' No! Voldemort will kill you. You must stay loyal, or he will destroy you and everything you love."

"But you told me you aren't a Death Eater anymore. How come you're not dead?" Lily narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

Severus got up, and paced in front of the bookshelf. "It's complicated."

"I think I deserve to know. Why should I trust anything you're saying if you're a filthy Death Eater?"

"I am a spy for Dumbledore. The Dark Lord believes I am spying on Dumbledore for him. If you don't believe me, you can ask Dumbledore. I can assure you, he trusts me."

"Why should he trust_ you_?"

Severus twitched uncomfortably. "He has his reasons."

"So you told Voldemort this prophecy which caused him to kill my family, because you were being loyal to your Lord?" Lily sneered.

"I asked the Dark Lord to spare you," Severus said quietly.

"Spare me!" Lily jumped up and screamed. "Me! Why? So I could suffer? I would just as well be dead! There's nothing left here for me now! Of course, but you love me, don't you Severus?"

Severus looked at her in surprise, but neither denied her accusation, nor confirmed it.

"Yes, I've known for a while. I could always read you, Severus. If you loved me so much, you should have let Voldemort murder me. This is torture, living everyday, waking up and expecting to see James besides me, but he's not because he's dead! YOU KILLED THEM!" Before Lily could stop them, hot tears began rolling down her face.

"I will never forgive you, and I will never love you. You are a filthy traitor to wizard kind. You should go to prison." Lily pushed him aside on her way out, leaving Severus standing there, totally confused.

He heard his front door slam as Lily left, and he plopped down, his hands covering his face.

What was the point of being a spy? He should just denounce himself to Voldemort, and let himself be killed. It would so much better then the guilt he suffered with every single day. And that would make Lily happy. He had tried to make up for what he had done wrong. After he relayed the prophecy to Voldemort, and Voldemort had concluded it meant Harry Potter, Severus had gone to Dumbledore and begged him to keep Lily safe.

"And what of her son and husband? You don't care if the Dark Lord slaughters them?" Dumbledore had asked.

"Please, save them all! Do whatever it takes! I'll do anything!" Severus had replied, desperate to do anything to save Lily.

And so that was his payment for Dumbledore trying to protect the Potters; becoming a spy.

And it was so ironic, Severus thought wryly, that Lily was the only one that wound up surviving anyway. And she hated his guts, and he didn't blame her. He wondered what Dumbledore would think if Voldemort killed his spy.

Severus sighed. No, he couldn't let that happen. There was more then just Lily at stake here. It was the whole Wizarding world. He was the only one who could gain important information on the Dark Lord's plans. He was not so selfish, and such a coward, to give up his life to stop his pain, because others would suffer. He would fight through it, as he always did, and maybe, one day, when the Dark Lord was gone, he could forget everything, and maybe Lily would forgive him.

_No, she will never forgive me._ She said so herself. And he would never forgive himself.

**Please send suggestions for ways I can continue this story! I really want to continue, but I'm totally out of ideas!**

**Thank to everybody who reviewed!**


	4. The Explanation

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

**Thank you to TheDarkCorner, Saramagician and Katconan{you probably don't realize, but you gave me some ideas with your wonderful rant!} for your suggestions.**

**I kind of mixed them together and made them fit. I hope everyone enjoys the results.**

Severus laid in bed that night, Lily's cruel words pounding relentlessly against his brain. He tried to think of other things, potions, quidditch, the weather; but those hurtful words would not leave him be. They chased him in his dreams when he finally fell asleep, torturing him, making him cry out in pain, while a woman's voice laughed in the background.

_You love me, don't you, Severus? _

_ If you loved me so much, you should have let Voldemort murder me. _

_ YOU KILLED THEM! _

_ I will never forgive you, and I will never love you. _

_ You should go to prison._

_ I will never forgive you. I will never forgive you. I will NEVER forgive you._

Severus woke in a sweat, and the morning sun warmed his face, Lily's words still in his mind. Why was he torturing himself like this? He had to go and try to apologize again, try to find relief from the guilt. He didn't try hard enough last night...at this point, he didn't want forgiveness; he just wanted understanding. He wanted Lily to understand how he HAD to relay the information to the Dark Lord. He hadn't really understood what the prophecy meant or what its cause would be, how it would affect HIM in the end.

Severus stood on Lily's stoop, hand hovering in front of the door, trying to make his hand connect with the wood. He had a sudden flashback of the night he had brought Lily home from the bar. He brought his hand lightly against the door, then knocked a little harder. The door cracked opened and Lily's face peered out. The look on her face must've mirrored the one Severus had been wearing the night before when she knocked on his door.

Lily's brows knit together, and she made to slam the door closed, but Severus put his foot in the door, preventing her from shutting it.

"What do you want?" Lily snarled.

"I want to apologize," Severus said quietly.

"For killing my family?"

"I want you to understand, I didn't have any idea what the prophecy meant. I was just following orders. I am truly sorry. It bothers me more then you can imagine."

Lily's eyes flashed.

"It should bother you!" Lily screamed. "Following orders!" she continued screaming things that she had said the night before, and the accusations were mingled with a stream of profanity that was directed at him.

She pulled out her wand and shot a curse at him. He was reminded of their meeting at the Apothecary, where he wanted her to curse him, believing he deserved it, and it would make Lily feel better.

_No, he didn't deserve it,_ Severus thought angrily, and dodged the curse.

Lily raised her wand to shoot another curse, but he screamed, "Expelliarmus!" and her wand flew to him.

"You know what? I'm not going to take this crap anymore. You will listen to me." Severus said, and Lily opened her mouth to protest.

"No, you shut your mouth for once, and listen! I am tired of being controlled and made to do things I don't want to do. I'm like a slave to Dumbledore and the Dark Lord, running back and forth, trying to hide my thoughts from the Dark Lord so I don't get killed, while trying to gather information for Dumbledore. I want someone to listen to me for once. So shut up." Severus waved his wand and Lily's mouth opened, but no sound came out.

"I have done everything I possibly could to redeem myself in your eyes, Lily, and obviously nothing has worked. I sold myself to Dumbledore so he would protect you, and now I'm risking my life every day. I am tired of explaining myself and asking for forgiveness. If anything, you should be blaming Peter Pettigrew. Yes, I know all about that. If he hadn't sold you to the Dark Lord, your family would still be alive, because I had Dumbledore protect you. Think about that. Or how about blaming Sirius Black, who was the Secret-Keeper, and changed to make Pettigrew Secret-Keeper? Or Dumbledore, who should've insisted upon himself being Secret-Keeper? No. Instead, you blame me." He yelled in anger, and for the first time, Lily looked frightened. Severus was breathing hard; all the anger of being controlled, being pushed around like a weak pawn on a chessboard, was pushing out of him. He had kept it bottled up for so long, and he was about to regret the result.

"So think before you speak next time. Maybe it's not just you going through a hard time."

Severus' spell to quiet Lily was wearing off, and she started to speak, Severus slashed his wand at her, screaming, "SHUT UP!" and his curse hit Lily, knocking her to the floor. Her head hit the edge of the table as she fell and she was knocked unconscious.

Severus' anger disappeared as he stared at Lily's motionless body on the floor. What had he done? He had come to apologize, and instead wound up by hurting Lily physically, when he was trying to relieve the emotional upset he had caused her.

He walked over and checked her pulse. She was fine, just knocked out. Severus placed her wand beside her, and left, before he did any more damage to the only person he had ever really loved.

**Severus lost his temper, and put Lily in her place! She was very cruel to him.**


	5. The Little Voice of Reason

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

**Thank you to TheDarkCorner, Saramagician and Katconan{you probably don't realize, but you gave me some ideas with your wonderful rant!} for your suggestions.**

**I kind of mixed them together and made them fit. I hope everyone enjoys the results.**

Lily woke up and rubbed her head. She was lying on the floor in her living room. Dark shadows covered the room.

"Ouch." Lily said as her hand hit a lump on the back of her head. She tried to remember what happened, and then suddenly jumped up as she realized where she was laying, her heart pounding; she was in the same exact spot James was found after he was murdered.

She shuddered and sidled over to the couch and plopped down, and tried again to recall what happened.

It was Severus. He came here and attacked her. The dirty filthy traitor.

_ **No, Lily**_. A little voice said in her head. **_There was more that happened. Think._**

And then she recalled the rest of the fight; how she had cursed Severus and he dodged, how he shut her up with a spell, and made his thoughts heard.

As her head gave a nasty throb, she remembered how the spell faded and she tried to argue with him, and he cursed her, causing her to knock her head into the table. She summoned an ice pack from the freezer and placed it on her bump before she continued shuffling through her memories.

What were some of the things Severus had said? When he was here, she was too angry to listen to what he had been saying, but now that he had left, the things he said made sense, much to her displeasure. As she recalled each of the things he said, the stupid little voice inside her head{she supposed it was her conscience} stuck in its opinion.

_I had no idea what the prophecy meant. I was just following orders. _

"Yeah, and getting my family killed in the process," Lily said to herself.

_**You know, Lily, maybe he's telling the truth. He didn't know what the prophecy meant, and what it would cause when he told Voldemort. Why would he do something to hurt you? He loves you; you can see it in his eyes even though he tries to hide it.**_ The little voice reasoned.

_ I'm like a slave to Dumbledore and the Dark Lord, running back and forth, trying to hide my thoughts from the Dark Lord so I don't get killed, while trying to gather information for Dumbledore. I sold myself to Dumbledore so he would protect you and now I'm risking my life everyday._

**_Look what he did for you, Lily. _**The little voice said**_. After he realized the prophecy would cause harm to you nd your family, he tried to redeem himself and fix things. He went to the leader of the opposite side, and begged him for help, and in doing so, risked being killed by his Lord. He even begged Voldemort to spare you when Peter Pettigrew came to the Death Eater meeting and told Voldemort of your whereabouts. And he is in danger everyday, because if Voldemort ever found out that Severus is a spy, Severus will die._**

A little pit of guilt burbled inside Lily's chest. Severus was willing to die for her, even after she pushed him away in school, even after she married James and mostly forgot about him. But he had never forgotten about her.

_ If anything, you should be blaming Peter Pettigrew. _

**_That's true._** The little voice said. **_Thanks to Severus, Dumbledore knew Voldemort was going to go after Harry, and was able to perform the Fidelis Charm to protect you. If Peter hadn't betrayed you to Voldemort, Harry and James would still be alive._**

This thought hit Lily like an avalanche of realization. She hadn't even thought about Peter. After Severus told Voldemort the prophecy, and Voldemort figured it meant Harry, Severus had gone straight to Dumbledore. If Peter never revealed them to Voldemort, Lily might be holding Harry in her arms right now, while he giggled, watching James making silly faces. Lily's fists clenched. Peter always was a coward.

_Or how about blaming Sirius Black, who was Secret-Keeper, but changed to make Peter Pettigrew the Secret-Keeper?_

**_Sirius is a true friend, but maybe he was afraid he wouldn't be able to hold up under torture if the Death Eaters caught him. Or maybe he didn't want the responsibility of trying to keep you three alive. The constant pressure may have gotten to him. _**

Lily had never liked Peter much, but Sirius was like a brother to her. She loved him with all her heart. She knew he would never do anything to purposely hurt her or James or Harry. Sirius had known James for at least ten years, and they were inseparable. And Harry was his godson. Sirius' eyes would light up every time he visited,when Harry would come over to him, smiling and giggling.

_Or Dumbledore, who should have insisted upon himself being Secret-Keeper?_

**_No one would have dared to try to get information from Dumbledore, not even Voldemort. They would have been too afraid. If Dumbledore had been the Secret-Keeper, they would still be alive._**

Yes. They should have thought of that in the beginning. Or Dumbledore should have, with that supposedly all-knowing great mind of his.

_ Instead you blame me._

**_You blamed Severus, because for that time after James and Harry's deaths, it was like you were in a trance. You weren't living in this world; you were living in a world in your mind in which James and Harry were still alive, but when you realized it wasn't true, you couldn't except it. Because you didn't want to be alive if they weren't. You should have clung to Harry, stood in front of James, and let yourself be should have had your wand, and cursed Voldemort. It's called survivor's guilt, Lily._** The voice said. **_T__hat night in the bar, when you saw Severus, and he told you of the prophecy, something sparked in your mind, waking you up somewhat. And you found someone you could blame other then yourself._**

"STOP IT!" Lily yelled at the voice, but it was making a lot of sense. Lily began to sob. She was so confused. The hurt she was feeling inside wasn't just for herself, it was for the way she had treated her once best friend.

The last thing that Severus said before he cursed her ran through her mind:

_Maybe it's not just you that's going through a hard time._

**_ Think about Sirius. He must be feeling more guilty then you are. If he had stayed Secret-Keeper, maybe none of this would have happened. And Remus. He must be feeling quite depressed also, as James had accepted him into the little group of Marauders and made him feel welcome, even though others always made him feel like an outcast. __And Severus. His act had caused the chain reaction that started this whole thing, but he HAD tried to fix it. He tried to do everything possible. But you screamed at him, blamed him for everything, had not let him explain._**

It was Lily's turn to apologize. "Oh, Sev!" she cried out into the sad, dark, empty house. "Severus! I'm sorry!"

**Review!**

**Oh, if if you're a fan of Lily/Severus, I've written a one shot called Premonition. It's only gotten two reviews, so please stop by and send my some reviews! I guarantee you'll enjoy it! ;) **


	6. The Bar Again

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed this story: TheDarkCorner, Saramagician, Loveandpower, and guests.**

**I'm glad everyone convinced me to continue with this story, because I'm having a lot of fun with it, and I'm happy how the story is playing out.**

Lily tried to apologize, but the two times she went to Severus' house, he didn't answer her knock. Either he wasn't home or he just didn't want to talk to her, which she could understand.

Lily stood in the dark on Severus' stoop for a moment, listening to the insects buzzing, then she sighed. She needed a drink.

She appeared in front of the little muggle pub that she had grown to love these past few weeks. It's name was simple and explanatory: The Bar.

Lily pushed open the door and plopped into a stool at the counter, and gave the bartender her order.

While he made up her drink, Lily looked around. She always liked observing muggles. She watched three men who were playing cards arguing for a minute, then her eyes landed to a man in the corner in the shadows who was obviously very drunk. He was talking to the chair opposite him as if it contained a person, babbling mindlessly.

Lily gave a little gasp of surprise as she recognized him; the reason Severus didn't answer the door was not because he didn't want to talk to her, but because he was here drinking his mind out.

She leapt up from her stool, and went over to him. He looked at her, but was apparently so drunk he didn't recognize her. There were many shot glasses on the table in front of him, and there was a wet spot on the front of his shirt that indicated that he had missed his mouth when he was bringing a glass up to his lips.

"Severus, I want to talk to you," Lily said, pulling a chair over and sitting next to Severus.

"You know," Severus slurred. "I did a really bad thing."

"Yes, and so did I," Lily said quietly, but Severus wasn't listening.

"I am going to kill myself." Severus stated matter-of-factly. "I don't deserve to live. I tried to talk to Lily, and then I cursed her."

Severus got to his feet, stumbled, and fell to the ground. Lily jumped up and bent besides him. She grabbed his arm, and pulled him up.

"Severus, you DO deserve to live. You are the bravest person I've ever met."

"I'm going to kill myself."

"No, you're not!" Lily said.

Severus pulled his arm out of her grip, then fell to the floor, where he passed out.

"You need help with him?" the bartender smirked as he watched Lily drag Severus to the front door.

"No, I got it," Lily panted.

"You want me to call a cab or something?"

"I said I can take care of it," Lily snapped.

"Alright, alright, I'm just trying to help."

When Lily got Severus outside onto the sidewalk, she dragged him into an alley where no muggles could see them in the deep shadows, and apparated to Spinner's End, where she had just left about half an hour ago.

Lily was relieved to find Severus' front door open, and pulled in through the door. When they were inside, she used her wand to float him into his bedroom. She pretty much remembered the layout of the house from the one time she had come when she was a child.

She hadn't seen Severus for a few days, and she was worried about him. They were twelve. When she knocked on the door, a plain sallow faced woman answered the door, and Lily cowered under her cold gaze. The woman, Severus' mother, had directed her to Severus' room. Lily knocked on the door, and Severus asked, "Who's there?"

"It's Lily," she had said. "I came to see you. Where have you been?"

"Lily, don't come in!" Severus had said hastily.

"Why not?"

"Just go, please." Severus sounded strained.

Despite Severus' pleas, she opened the door, and saw Severus sitting on his bed with a book in his hand. He quickly covered his face, but Lily pulled his hand away. His face was bruised, his lip swollen and his left eye sported a brilliant purple-blue color.

"What happened, Sev?" Lily asked softly, but Severus didn't answer. Instead, he turned away from Lily.

"Tell me, Sev," Lily demanded. "Was it those boys again, who always make fun of you?" she pulled him around to face her, and saw tears winking in her best friend's eyes.

"Sev. It's okay. I'll beat them up." Severus gave a small smile, and Lily hugged him tightly.

"Now come on. Let's go to the woods." Lily grabbed Severus' hand and pulled him up, leading him out of the dreary house and into the bright sunshine.

His room looked exactly as it had all those years ago; the same dark heavy oak furniture, the same old curtains.

Lily landed him on the bed, pulled off his shoes and tucked him in. She looked down at his tired face; he looked at least ten years older then he was; worry lines ran across his face, and Lily even saw a grey hair or two. But beneath it, she could pick out the old Severus. The laughing, smiling boy who played with her in the woods, who only showed his true self to her. To everyone else, he was just a strange, quiet boy who wore weird clothes and loved books too much.

Lily closed the door behind her, and headed toward the living room. She laid down on the couch, and tucked her knees up to her chin. She was determined to stay the night, and make sure Severus was okay in the morning. Then she would talk to him.

**Review!**


	7. The Apology

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

Severus sat up, and immediately felt a pounding sensation in his head. He was in his house, in his room. Why did he feel like this? He couldn't remember what had happened the night before. A burning lump rose in the back of his throat, and he rushed to the bathroom before he made a mess on the floor.

Severus clutched his stomach as he leaned over the toilet and heaved. He must have had too many drinks last night; it was a good thing he had concocted a hangover potion for just this occasion, even though he never expected to use it as he didn't drink much. But he liked to be prepared; he had a potion for everything.

Severus headed for the kitchen, where he kept his potions in a cabinet, neatly labeled, wiping his mouth on his hand as he did so. He passed through the living room, and heard deep heavy, breathing. Severus pulled his wand out of his pocket{he always carried it with him, even when he slept} and crept over to the couch where the sound was coming from.

Lily was sleeping on the couch. On his couch. In his house. This must be a dream. Lily would never spend the night at his house, especially these days. Severus looked at Lily's face; her thick lashes fluttering as she dreamed, her full red lips slightly open as she breathed, her red hair splayed around her. Severus did what most people do when they think they're dreaming: he pinched himself on the arm.

"Ouch!" Severus said as he felt a sharp stinging where he had pinched his arm; defiantly not a dream.

Lily suddenly opened her emerald green eyes and looked at him. She smiled.

"Good morning, Severus. Feeling better?"

Severus must have looked confused, because Lily sat up and said, "I saw you at the bar last night. You were really drunk, so I brought you home."

"You didn't have to.." Severus murmured.

"Well, you did it for me so I was just returning the favor."

Lily's expression turned serious. "Will you sit down for a moment, Severus? I want to talk to you..."

Severus sat awkwardly, as far away as possible from Lily as he could on the couch, his muscles tensed.

"It's okay," Lily looked ashamed. "You can relax. I'm not going to yell at you,"

Lily sighed. "I wanted to apologize for the way I acted. I really shouldn't have treated you like that. I thought about everything you said, and I knew it was true, even if I didn't want to believe it. So I went to Dumbledore to make sure you were telling the truth, to break through that last barrier. I realized that it made sense. I just wanted someone to blame, because I was blaming myself, and when you told me about the prophecy, in my eyes, you were the perfect scapegoat. I understand now all that you have put on the line to protect me and my family, and I appreciate that greatly. So I am truly sorry, and I owe you a big thank you!" Lily threw her arms around an unsuspecting Severus, and hugged him tightly. Severus sat straight up and tensed even more.

"I hope we can be friends, again, Sev," Lily said, looking him in the eyes. "I really miss you."

Severus gave her a smile for the first time. "So this means I am forgiven?"

"Yes." Lily said standing up. "Maybe we could do something together sometime, but I have to go right now,"

Severus stood up to see her to the door.

"Well, I'll see you soon, I guess," Lily brushed her lips against Severus' cheek, then stepped back. "Bye, Sev!"

Lily waved as she hopped off the stoop and continued on her way. Severus shut the door behind her. Lily had forgiven him. Severus felt lighter and freer then he had in a long time.

Severus sat up in the darkness, his heart pounding in fear. Someone was banging on his front door. Severus took his wand out and whispered, "Lumos," and a tiny light appeared on the end of his wand. Holding it in front of him so that a halo of light cut through the dark hallway, he cautiously headed toward the banging.

"Severus!" Lily cried from the other side. "Open the door."

Severus quickly pulled the door open, reacting to the desperate tone of Lily's voice.

Lily was standing there in her pink nightgown with muddy splashes coating the hem, and bare, dirty feet; it was raining, but the wetness on her face was also from tears. She threw herself into his arms and wept.

"Lily, what's wrong?" Severus questioned, concerned. "Did something happen?"

"I had another dream."

"Come inside, you're soaking wet." Severus led to her to the couch, and summoned a blanket, wrapping it around her wet, shivering frame.

"I can't t- talk to Sirius and Remus because they're j- just as upset as I am!" Lily wailed.

"What can I do?" Severus wanted desperately to help her in any way he could.

"I just need company. I hate the house, it's so lonely now." Lily choked out, and leaned her head against Severus' shoulder. "Can I stay here tonight?"

"Of course," Severus said, enjoying the warmth of her body against his. The fact that Lily had come to him for comfort made his heart leap.

"Hold me, Sev," Lily said, and Severus put his arm around her tentatively.

Lily chuckled through her tears. "I don't bite, Sev."

Severus held Lily, and eventually Lily's sobs ceased.

"Do you want something to help you sleep?" Severus asked; he had brewed many sleeping potions, as he constantly suffered from insomnia.

"No, let's just sit here." Lily didn't want Severus to leave her.

They sat in a comfortable silence, listening to the rain splatter against the window panes. A few minutes later Lily had fallen asleep. Severus watched her chest rise and fall as she breathed, watched as she twitched and sometimes cried out; Severus guessed she was dreaming about Harry and James and Voldemort.

Severus held her all night long, squeezing her tighter when she cried out, wishing he was in her dreams to comfort her.

**Yay! They made up! **

**I put in a kissing scene in this chapter, but it didn't feel right somehow, so I took it out. Here it is if you want to read it.**

**Short deleted scene: **

"Well, I'll see you soon, I guess," Lily brushed her lips against Severus' cheek. Her lips were so close to his. Severus moved his head slightly and their lips met. Lily fell into the kiss, and stepped forward, tripping on the threshhold. She fell into Severus, they both toppled to the ground, Lily on top of Severus. Lily giggled, then her smile disappeared, replaced by a guilty look. What was she doing? What about James? She got to her feet.

"I'm sorry!" Severus said hastily. "I didn't mean..I'm sorry!"

Tears fell from Lily's confused eyes and slid down her pale face.

"I have to go," she whispered, and left. Severus closed the door behind her, and smacked his head against the wall. What was wrong with him? Lily had just apologized, and he was going to ruin it with his stupid actions.

**Please tell me how you liked it!**

** I can't wait to post the next chapter! It made me cry! :)**


	8. The Fight

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

The next few days were like heaven to Severus; Lily spent more time with him then at her house. She didn't want to be alone, and for some reason, being with Severus was more comforting to her then being with Sirius or Remus.

They went to lunch together on Wednesday, and Severus learned that Lily hated pickles with a passion.

When the waitress brought over her hamburger that had two slices of pickle on it, she had a fit. The waitress looked annoyed, but took the plate back to the kitchen, assuring Lily they would make a new one without pickles.

"You probably think I'm crazy," Lily giggled. "But I really hate pickles."

"She'll probably spit in your food," Severus said.

"Probably," Lily laughed.

On Thursday, they took a stroll through the park, and Lily pointed out the different species of trees and plants, while Severus listened interestedly.

Severus had almost forgotten that they were in the middle of a war, with murders happening everyday. It was like he was surrounded by a blissful cloud of Lily: she pushed all the bad things from his mind, and didn't let them back in. But happiness often didn't last, especially in a war.

Lily was sitting with Severus on Saturday afternoon watching a movie on the muggle TV. Just as Severus reached for another handful of popcorn from the bowl that was sitting between him and Lily on the couch, he felt his arm burning. Severus clapped his hand to it and cried out.

"What's the matter?" Lily looked concerned.

"Nothing...I need to go, but you can stay here if you want," Severus said, quickly standing. His burning mark had pulled him out of the Lily cloud, reminding him that he was a servant of the Dark Lord, and a spy for Dumbledore, in a war, and there were bad things happening. He had no right to sit on the couch enjoying a movie with his friend.

"Where..." Lily started to ask, but Severus had already turned on the spot and disapparated, leaving Lily sitting confused on the couch, trying to deduce what had just happened.

"My Lord," Severus bowed as he entered the dark meeting room and took his seat besides his fellow Death Eaters.

Voldemort, at the head of the table, stared at him for a moment, and then his eyes rested on the Death Eater that had just entered the room and filled the last seat.

"Now that we are all here," Voldemort said. " We will begin..."

"Cockroach clusters!" Severus said to the stone gargoyle guarding the staircase that led to the Headmaster's office. When Severus said the password, the gargoyle jumped aside, and Severus stepped onto the first step of the staircase, and it turned, bringing him up higher and higher.

Severus knocked loudly on Dumbledore's door, listening to the sound echoing against the stone stairwell.

"Enter," Dumbledore's voice issued from within.

Severus pushed the door open. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, his pensieve before him, its blue liquids swirling and glowing softly.

"Severus!" Dumbledore said, surprised. "What can I do for you?"

"I was just at a meeting," Severus said. "Voldemort is planning to attack a muggle town tonight. He's letting the Death Eaters 'have some fun'." Severus had a disgusted look on his face.

"I will alert the Order at once," Dumbledore said, and raising his wand, shot several silvery patronuses from its end.

Dumbledore looked at Severus and asked,"You will be joining them?"

"I have to, don't I?" Severus' black eyes glowed with regret.

"Yes, you do." Dumbledore stated, and turned back to the pensieve.

Severus stalked from the room, hating what he was going to have to do that night.

The muggle town was quiet when the Death Eaters arrived; here and there lights shone through the houses' windows, shining in the dark like cat's was peaceful, but it was not about to stay that way.

The Death Eaters looked to Voldemort, who was standing at the back of the group, and he waved his hand carelessly, signaling them to proceed.

Bellatrix Lestrange whooped gleefully, and pointed her wand at the nearest house, setting it were screams from within as the flames began devouring the house, and Bellatrix laughed.

The Death Eaters scattered, moving through the town like an army of ants, destroying houses, and when the muggles came running out to avoid being crushed to death or burned, they were brought to the ground by different curses shot at them by the Death Eaters, the Cruciartus and Avada Kedavra included.

Severus watched as Bellatrix casted the cruciartus curse on a small boy, about five years old, and cackled cruelly as he screamed and cried. She had bound his parents nearby, so they had to watch their son writhe on the ground in pain and not being able to do anything to stop it. Severus felt like throwing up.

"What's this Severus?" Voldemort whispered in his ear, making him jump. "Not enjoying yourself?"

Shivers ran down Severus' spine; he knew he had to start doing damage or Voldemort would be suspicious.

"No, I just haven't been feeling well lately, and Apparating makes it worse." Severus knew it was a stupid excuse, but it was the only thing he could think of.

"Well, go on, and have some fun, Severus. It will make you feel better, and you deserve it. After all, you've been a wonderful addition to my Inner Circle."

"Thank you, My Lord."

"Now go enjoy yourself." It was more of a demand then anything, so Severus raised his wand to do some type of damage to the nearest house, but before he could blurt out a spell, there were several loud cracking sounds, and Dumbledore appeared, followed by the other Order members.

Voldemort shrieked in anger and pressed his dark mark to alert the others. Dumbledore immediately began dueling with the enraged Voldemort, and everybody gave them a wide berth. The Order members began breaking out of their group to confront the Death Eaters, and Severus saw with horror that Lily was there, with Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. She must have been with them when they received Dumbledore's patronus message, and followed them. She jumped into the fight, battling fiercely with a masked Death Eater.

If she was injured here...

Severus jumped in and began shooting curses at Death Eaters; nobody noticed that they were coming from his wand as there were so many curses flying through the air in every direction.

He stunned Anton Dolohov, who had been battling with Alice Longbottom. She looked around gratefully, clutching her injured arm, but Severus was gone already.

He dodged to avoid a yellow jet of light, but it hit him, and he tumbled; it felt like his insides were burning. Severus' eyesight began to blur, but not before he caught a glimpse of Walden Macnair going after Lily. He struggled to his feet, swaying as if he were drunk. He shot a stunning spell at the man, and Macnair hit the ground. Lily looked surprised, then spotted Severus. She went to go him, but he shook his head frantically; the Death Eaters must not see him interacting with her. So she smiled instead, blew him a kiss, and shot a spell at another Death Eater who was fighting Sirius.

A Death Eater fell to the ground beside Severus. Severus looked around to see where it had come from. Bellatrix Lestrange was nearby, going all out, and shooting the killing curse nonstop. Most of the green jets missed their targets, instead hitting into trees or houses, or just disappearing into the sky, but some hit their intended victims: several Order members fell to the rough asphalt, and even some unlucky Death Eaters were hit. Most of the people laying on the ground were results of Bellatrix's spells.

Severus had to stop her before she hit Lily. He shot a stunning spell at her just as she screamed "Avade kedavra!" again. The red jet hit her just as the green jet was forming on the end of her wand. The force of the stupify spell caused Bellatrix to fall to the ground, changing the direction of the green jet. It left her wand and headed straight into the crowd of dueling wizards and witches. Severus looked satisfied as he glanced at Bellatrix, lying on the road unconscious.

Severus ran back to the fight, tripping over a body. He scraped his face on the asphalt as he fell. He felt his mark burn, and knew Voldemort was calling a retreat.

As the Death Eaters disapparated with loud cracks, Severus got to his feet, shaking. The road was littered with bodies; unconscious, injured or dead. Severus looked down at the person he had tripped over, and it felt like he was being submerged into a freezing, icy river. Red hair against the black asphalt. Green eyes staring unseeing at the star strewn sky.

Severus howled as he dropped to his knees and held Lily's body{it was growing cold already} against his chest. He pleaded with her to wake up, kissed her soft hair, caressed her face, but the green eyes were empty. Her head lolled back and forth, and her arms hung limply. Severus sobbed uncontrollably as realization hit him and hit him hard: Lily was dead.

Severus felt a hand on his shoulder but didn't look up.

"Severus," Dumbledore said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"It's my fault," Severus choked out. "I should have told her to stay home... don't come."

"Severus, Lily was a grown woman, and even if you told her that, I don't think she would have stayed." Dumbledore said. "She was a fighter, Severus."

Severus stood up suddenly with Lily in his arms.

"Severus, where are you going?" Dumbledore asked worriedly.

"I'm leaving."

"Severus, Voldemort will be after you if you don't return to his side," Dumbledore pointed out.

Severus ignored him. He didn't care what happened to him at this point, because the only thing he was living for had just been destroyed.

"Severus...wait!" Dumbledore called, but Severus was already gone with a swish of his cloak.

It was so dark Severus could hardly see where he was going as his feet crunched on dry leaves and twigs. He smacked his head on several low branches, and he could feel blood trickling down his face. But he had come here so often as a child he knew the way. Lily's dead weight was making his arms scream as he traveled down the path. He tripped on a gnarled tree root that was rising from the ground but he managed to maintain his balance. He finally reached the clearing where he and Lily had spent much of their summers together, talking about magic. As Severus' eyes adjusted to the dark, he could see their favorite climbing tree. He laid Lily at the base and sat beside her, pulling her close to him. He kissed her forehead, and stared up at the shining silver stars winking against the coal black sky.

"Remember when we first met? At the playground?" Severus said into the darkness. "Your sister didn't like me very much..."

Severus sat with Lily, recalling childhood memories, happier times, until the light of dawn began to peek over the horizon, pushing the night sky and stars aside. He fell asleep, still holding Lily, dreaming of a world that Lily was still a part of.

**I know you all are going to hate me cause I killed Lily, but not all stories have a happy ending! **

**Actually, I wasn't going to kill her, but someone convinced me to! They said it would be an awesome plot twist. Just after Lily finally forgives Severus, she gets killed!**

**I am so sad, but I also think it is an awesome ending. Don't hate me! **

**Please review anyway! :)**


	9. The Lily

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

**So this is the last chapter of Guilt. Thank you to everyone who reviewed and followed this story to its sad end.**

Severus felt a tear drip down his long nose as he stared at Lily Potter's grave. She was buried next to her husband and son.

Her gravestone was a beautiful shining white marble, standing out beside the other stones in the cemetary, as they had that weathered, mossy look. It simply said, 'Lily Potter, Loving wife and mother', but Severus felt it should say a lot more then that. Brave, outgoing, strong-willed, talented, courageous and forgiving were only some of the words that came to mind when he thought of Lily.

Who knows where their friendship might have gone if Lily had survived. Now Severus would never know.

Severus suddenly felt his mark burn and he scowled. After he had left the battle with Lily's body, and fell asleep in the woods, he had awoken later in the day to feel his mark burning, the Dark Lord calling the Death Eaters that had not been arrested back to him. Severus had not gone, he was much too upset to face the people that had caused the death of his Lily. He was afraid he might let something slip in his grief.

So instead of returning to his master, Severus had brought Lily's body to her friends, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. They had looked at him strangely, because he had taken Lily's body before they had even known she was dead; Dumbledore had informed them of the tragedy, and told them that Severus had taken her body. Severus did not say anything to them; he had simply left the body and walked away.

Now, Severus would have to go and explain to his Lord why he had not come. He could forsee pain in his future, curtesy of the Dark Lord's infamous cruciartus curse. Voldemort would not care about whatever excuse Severus would tell him. He would not care that Severus was in mourning.

Severus placed the wilted white lily he was holding next to Lily's grave. She had looked like that flower when she died, her dead body wilted and limp. And she would resemble it even more in the months to come. The flower would turn brown and slimy as it rotted away, as would she. Severus shuddered. He had to stop thinking these terrible thoughts. The dark mark burned again, and Severus knew he must leave.

"I swear, Lily, I will do everything I can to help end the reign of the Dark Lord. And one day, when he's finally gone, maybe I'll feel at peace. I know you're at peace right now, with your husband and son, but I hope you will always remember me."

A soft breeze blew, and one the lily's petals detached itself from the flower, and flew through the air, brushing against Severus' cheek. He looked at it as landed by his feet, and bent to pick it up, putting it carefully into his pocket. Then Severus brushed away another tear before disapparating, knowing that Lily was watching over him.

********************************************************THE END***********************************************************

**Hold on, I'm crying right now...*wipes eyes with tissue, blows nose.**

**Okay. So I hope everybody enjoyed the last chapter. The significance of the lily petal was supposed to be like an encouraging, supporting embrace from Lily to Severus, as he continues his work against the Dark Lord. Lily will be watching over him the whole way. Maybe they will see each other again someday. But for now, Severus wants to protect other people from feeling what he's feeling. He wants to see the Dark Lord destroyed.**

**Love you all! Dementors**


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